I’m so tired. I’m not a micro-management type of person, but I have to do these things just to help him function.
One problem he has had his whole life: absent-mindedness. This is not once-in-a-while forgetfulness. This lack of alertness and awareness of the past-present-future and whereabouts happens on a regular basis. It’s a continuously truly “blank” state of mind, which makes every action inconsistent/contradictory with one another.
Here’re some examples:
– People with severe ADHD can take medicine to improve absent-mindedness. The medicines work wonders.
Ironically, because of your absent-mindedness, you always forget to take the medicine. The worse thing is, when the thought of taking the pills randomly pops up, you don’t even remember which ones to take or what’s your dosage. It’s like resetting everyday. And it happens EVERYday. So he has taken the wrong medication at the wrong time and wrong dosage on numerous occasions if I don’t help monitor the pills.
Also, any day he forgets to take the medicine in the morning, he loses stuffs (can’t remember where he left them) ranging from a laptop, a phone, a bike, a backpack, a key, etc.
– Go to wrong rooms, wrong buildings, and hence always run late for meetings, seminars, etc. This makes him look like he’s always in trouble.
– Driving. He’s an EXCELLENT driver, but he’s slow to react to situations and often goes blank and operates on reflex control, seemingly with no influence from the brain, while driving.
# Usually doesn’t stop at a STOP sign.
# Usually don’t see people crossing the street. Got pedestrians upset and put them in danger very often.
# Light turning from green to yellow to red. (sometimes Red means Go spontaneously)
# Drive on one leg because the other leg is tired and so he put it on the seat. Take off his sweatshirt, which covers his eyes, at the dangerous corner with a FedEx truck coming, with his hands off the steering wheel. (He said he forgot he was driving — he just realized it was too hot and he had to take off his sweatshirt right then.)
– Inconsistent. Always get fascinated by some random thought (which could be admiration of a bathroom, a gym, a bathtub) to the point he forgets important appointments/plans that he cares so much about just 30 minutes before. So one minute you say you can’t miss this appointment as it’s soooo important to you and if you miss it there will be repercussions that you can’t bear. Inconsistently, the other minute you would completely forget about it like it doesn’t even exist.
He missed trains because he was daydreaming (sometimes while waiting at the station!) and thus letting the trains come and go.
– As a result, he can hardly finish anything he starts. I’m talking about xx,xxx dollars wasted, not just hundreds. (one time, he forgot he had $30,000 put in a separate account. He had been so excited about that savings plan and then a few months later he completely forgot it existed.)
– Bought a cup of ice cream because he was craving ice cream. Then he put it upside down to watch the ice cream drop to the ground. Why? Because he wanted to. This “I do it because I just feel like it” was cute, but isn’t so anymore when impulsivity becomes the ONLY explanation why he does anything.
This is very debilitating for us. Â He’s only 32 and recently graduated with a Masters in Computer Science and is a PhD drop-out from a top university. But what use is education and creativity if your absent-mindedness will kill you one of these days?
I don’t want to be pessimistic, but it’s such a pattern — repeating and repeating incidents that they can’t be called pessimistic thinking anymore. They are to be expected and they will happen if I don’t think in advance, plan ahead, and manage it for him.
DH: I got to put my medicines somewhere. Right now they’re in our bedroom, but JonJon can get them and put them in his mouth. (great intention)
Me: OK, great. Where would you like to keep them?
DH: I’ll put them in our “outdoor storage shed”. That’s super-secure.
Me: Yeah, so secure that no one can get them, including you. You will forget to take them though. Remember why you kept the medicines in the bedroom in the first place? Because you always forgot to take them, and so you needed them handy and obvious.
DH: Oh that’s right, so I’ll keep the bottles at the same old place – the kitchen cabinets then.
…. walked away to keep meds in the cabinets….
A minute later:
Me: What’s that blue tray in your pocket?
DH: My meds – I put pills neatly in this tray so that I remember to take them.
Me: Great. But why don’t you keep it in the cabinet too?
DH: BUT I WANT my medicine tray to be in the BEDROOM!!!
Me: So that Jonathan can open and put the pills in his mouth? … well, isn’t it this blue tray that Jonathan can open? He actually can’t open all those bottles that you put away!
He said it himself that he had to take the pills out of the bedroom, but a few minutes later he insisted vehemently on keeping the pills in the bedroom in the container that’s even easier to open? (unconsciously his logic and priority kept shifting back and forth between wanting it handy and keeping it out of Jonathan’s reach).
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I know it sounds confusing, and that’s why it’s so debilitating for both of us. Â Great intention but often acting against his own intention. Sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode, following his impulsive thoughts and having to persuade him that his impulsive, random action is not consistent with what he actually wants.
I want to say USE YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE MORE before doing/saying anything but well I “forget” his mind is blank. 🙁
Maybe I also need a pill to keep reminding myself that he has ADHD!!!
